Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. Psalm 86:11
I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them;
I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 11:19
My heart often wants to be divided. There are so many things in this world that entice me. Being comfortable, feeling entitled to things and ease, comparing myself and my life situation and my income and my kids to those a
round me ... all these direct my focus, my heart, to seek the things that please me.
But on the road of healing, well, really on the road of life, perhaps the most challenging thing that tugs at me is the striving to take care of things myself. I don’t want to be dependent, to ask for help, to be relegated to a life situation (single motherhood) that puts me in the “needy” box. I want to do it myself ... to fix all the problems that roll my way ... to wipe a tear, give a hug, and make the pain in my children disappear ... to be financially and vocationally "set." I'm tempted toward self-sufficiency and control. I'm tempted to not believe that the same God who has brought me these years on the journey just might not take care of things this time. My heart wants to prove to itself that I am okay. And I am somehow allowed the pride that comes flowing in when others see my strength in the fight, my success in the journey, and my survival.
My heart wants to follow that fork in the road.
But God calls me to a different way ... the inside out way of the kingdom. He has called me to dependence. To surrender. To laying down my expectations and entitlements to just follow him. He expects me to keep my heart focused on who he is, his holiness, his mercy, his grace, his provision, his definition of my life situation working out his plan for his glory.
I want the nuisances to stop.
He wants me to focus on him and persevere.
I want my girls to have all they need to be happy.
He wants to grow them and teach them about true joy.
I want justice, rights, what is due me.
He wants mercy, forgiveness, selfless love.
He wants me to walk in his ways, in truth, fearing his name.
He wants my heart,
undivided.
He wants me to trust that he will provide for me; that he will care for the needs we have; that he is present in all the feelings and struggles and pain. He wants me to walk in truth, fearing his name ... he wants to turn my heart of stone to a heart of flesh and put a new spirit within me.
Oh God, give me an undivided heart.
Release in me the new spirit you long to provide.
Keep cupping my tear-stained face in your mighty hands,
Turning my focus from myself to you.
Lead me in your ways, entitled only to surrender, sacrifice, and life as you will it.
Grace me with abundant, amazing grace ... and give me opportunity
To grace others in your name.
I love you.
June 3, 2005 and July 9, 2015